


And so I let you go (please come back to me)

by mitsuki_yuriko



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, Super Junior
Genre: Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 08:33:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17845985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsuki_yuriko/pseuds/mitsuki_yuriko
Summary: It was a normal day when everything falls to pieces.It’s not like they’ve never fought before. In fact, it’s quite normal of them to bicker constantly over the littlest things.But in the years they’ve known each other, they’ve never fought this harshly.





	And so I let you go (please come back to me)

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta-ed work. My first time writing fanfiction, please be kind.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

 

 

It was a normal day when everything falls to pieces.

It’s not like they’ve never fought before. In fact, it’s quite normal of them to bicker constantly over the littlest things.

But in the years they’ve known each other, they’ve never fought this harshly.

 

 

It’s three in the morning, and Yunho was sitting in the lounge, hugging a cushion to his chest, staring mulishly at the TV as it played some obscure game show.

Changmin had gone out again, leaving him with nothing but a quick note to be back by midnight. He didn’t respond to any of the worried messages the elder sent and ignored all his frantic calls as the night deepened past his promised time.

This wasn’t an unusual recurrence. After Jaej – _the others_ left, the silence in the absence of the three loudest members was unbearable.

Yunho didn’t notice at first, too caught up in his pain and loss that everything else ceases to matter. He spends his nights in the empty dorm room, downing bottles of soju. But Changmin prefers to stay out as much as he can, seeking comfort in other artists rather than his own group member ( _his only group member, his leader, who couldn’t even stop their own members from leaving-)_

They see each other during practice and promotions and rehearsals, but in their spare time, they rarely meet, much less talk to each other.

By the time anger and bitterness fades into hurt and Yunho suddenly remembers that he is the _leader_ and still has the baby of the group with him, it’s too late. Every time he tries to reach out to the younger, the younger brushes him off, angry and hurt and unreachable.

But Yunho is nothing if not determined, and he so plopped his tired butt on the couch and resigned to wait for Changmin, however long it took.

It was almost four o’clock and Yunho was drifting in and out of consciousness when a loud banging noise woke him out of his daze.

He jumped up, startled to alertness, and flung open the door. It was Kyuhyun and Minho, dragging a barely-conscious Changmin between them. His unstyled hair was a mess, clothing askew and the heavy scent of alcohol and sweat under the musk of his cologne.

He didn’t need to ask to know Changmin had gone out drinking again.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun says, apology clear in his eyes.

Wordlessly, Yunho stepped aside and let the kyu-line drag Changmin into the house and onto his bed. Giving into the soft mattress, Changmin doesn’t even shift an inch, instantaneously giving into the alcohol-induced slumber. The three stood in silence for a moment, watching the maknae of TVXQ sprawled ungracefully atop the sheets. “What happened?”

Minho shrugged. “We were just drinking at the bar, then Changmin muttered something about six months before downing bottles and drinking himself into a stupor.”

“Six months?”

“We heard your name being thrown around a few times too,” Kyuhyun piped up. “And also…. The three… hyungs… that left.”

_Jaejoong. Junsu. Yoochun._

Six months.

It’s been six months since the others left.

Yunho felt a pang in his chest. He hadn’t even noticed Changmin was feeling down because of it. What kind of leader even is he?

“Hyung….”

At the concerned tone, Yunho snapped out of his stupor, realising he had slipped into a contemplative silence. He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind. _Now’s not the time, Yunho. Get a grip._

 “Thanks for looking after Changmin,” he tells the boys honestly, even though the smile plastered on his face was anything but. He ushered Kyuhyun and Minho to the door, biding them farewells and don’t-stay-out-too-lates and text-me-when-you-get-backs like a good hyung.

When he closes the door and flicks the lock shut, he finally allowed the mask to fall. Heaving a sigh, he returned to Changmin’s side.

The maknae was slumbering peacefully, face smooshed into the pillows, mouth open, snoring lightly. He looked so young asleep, stress lines and dark bags vanishing from his face. He covered the younger with a blanket and tiptoed out of the room.

They had a schedule at noon the next day. They could talk in the morning.

 

 

The next morning, Yunho was coming home from his morning jog when he saw a figure smoking on the balcony, leaning on the railing. As he got closer, he almost dropped his phone out of shock. It was Changmin.

He ran into the house and up the stairs, slamming doors in his wake. Changmin turned around to face him as he approached, mouth open as if to speak. But before he could, Yunho stalked towards the younger man and grabbed the offending stick out of his hands.

“Ya!” Changmin shouted, grabbing for the cigarette. Yunho threw it on the ground and stomped on the end, putting it out. Frowning, Changmin reached into his pocket and pulled out a full pack, which Yunho quickly snatched up. “What’s wrong with you, hyung?”

“What wrong with _you?_ “ Yunho snapped back. Of all things Changmin could have done to cope with his pain, this one was unacceptable. Smoking would ruin his body, his health and Changmin’s _voice._

“It’s just a cigarette, not drugs,” Chaangmin reached for the pack again, but Yunho jammed it into his pocket, out of Changmin’s reach.

“Stop, Changmin. This will affect your voice.”

Changmin sneered, the expression twisting his handsome features. “Like it would matter. What would be the use of my voice if I can no longer sing? We no longer have a singing career.”

“Please, Changmin. Don’t argue with me over this. And you know that’s not true.”

Changmin laughed, a harsh, biting sound. “Argue? We don’t have to argue if you stop interfering with my life. I’m old enough to make decisions for myself, Yunho.”

“I ‘interfere’ because I care for you,” Yunho sighed. “I know you’re old enough. In fact, that’s why I worry more. You’ve changed, I’ve changed, we’re no longer the people we used to be. I admit I haven’t been the best person to be around these few months, but I’m _trying._ We need to talk to sort this out together, Changmin, and we can’t do that if you’re destroying yourself. _”_

Changmin fell silent for a moment, as if contemplating Yunho’s words. He lowered his face, staring at the tiled floor, expression unreadable.

It was the first time they’ve spoken properly in months, and if only Yunho could _reach_  him –

“Bullshit.”

“…What?”

 “I call bullshit, hyung,” Changmin bit out angrily. Yunho took a step back, surprised by his sudden anger.

“ _Now,_ you care, and _now_ you want to talk. Where were you, when Jaejoong and Yoochun and Jungsu left, and I needed comfort?” Changmin clenched his fists, which Yunho noticed were shaking – from anger.

He stalked towards Yunho, voice getting louder as he got more and more worked up. “Where were you, when I was crestfallen and miserable? Where were you, when the sasaeng fans trashed my belongings and threatened my family and I needed help?”

Yunho flinched. “Changmin, I-“

“Where were you, hyung,” Changmin asked lowly. “Where were you when I needed you?”

At that, Yunho felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

They say the eyes are the window to your soul, and that was certainly the case for Changmin. As Yunho stared up into his maknae’s eyes, the wide brown orbs that were usually filled with warmth and joy were cold, chilling and filled with anger and hurt and bitterness and sorrow.

His own chest clenched painfully.

It was not anger directed at JYJ, but at _him._

“I’m so sorry,” Yunho whispered, guilt tearing at his heartstrings.

He was meant to be the leader of the group, that guided the members and supported them. Instead, in his grief he had left his maknae alone, alone to tackle the world, forgetting that he was just as hurt.

The maknae, who was used to being babied and pampered by his adoring hyungs, had three of them walk out of his life. His only remaining hyung, the leader, the one that stayed, should have been strong and certain as a guiding post. But Yunho so lost in his own pain that he was unreachable, thoroughly abandoning Changmin.

His Changmin.

“I’m so sorry, Changmin.”

With half a step Yunho stood right in front of Changmin. He placed his hands on the younger’s face, cupping his cheeks, trying to convey his sincerity through his eyes. “I’m so sorry, for not being there when you needed me, I’m so sorry for being such a terrible hyung.”

He held Changmin’ gaze for a moment, the wide doe-brown eyes filled with anger and underlying hurt. “But I’m here now.”

“I’m here right now, right in front of you,” Yunho said desperately.

But Changmin shook his head, angling his face away. Rejecting Yunho’s touch.

“You’re too late, Yunho,” he said simply, coldly. “I don’t need you anymore.”

Yunho felt his already bleeding heart shatter into a million pieces. Of all the things Changmin had ever done, this was by far the cruellest.

He thought back to when they first met, when Changmin was all long limbs and awkward dance moves, following Yunho around like a lost baby deer. Of long nights spent in the practise room, teaching Changmin each movement step by step. Of sneaking out at the middle of the night to buy ramyun at the night markets when their diets got too intense. Of the ecstasy of their first win, of Changmin’s gummy smile and uneven crinkling of his eyes.

He could barely recognise the Changmin in front of him now, with dark brooding eyes and a furrow between his brows and anger shaking his shoulders.

Yunho clenched his fists, once, then let them drop by his side.

He was tired.  He felt like he had the weight of the heavens on his shoulders. He was tired of the pressure from the fans, their own beloved Cassiopeia, who were split between those who stayed and the ones who left. Tired of tiptoeing around his managers, who never said it explicitly but discussed in hissed conversations when they thought Yunho was out of earshot. Tired of spending time in the company building, where there were sunbaes who looked at them with pity and hoobaes who gossiped around every corner. Tired of coming back to a cold, empty house.

He was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of all this.

If Changmin didn’t need him anymore, he wouldn’t hold him back. He wouldn’t force Changmin to stay. ( _Like he had tried to force Jaejoong to stay, who stayed and endured because of Yunho and eventually broke under the pressure and left.)_

Changmin was destined for great things, and as much as Yunho wanted to be a part of it, he wished for nothing but Changmin’s own happiness. Even at the expense of his own.

 _Everyone eventually leaves me anyway,_ Yunho thought, somewhat bitterly.

“If you don’t need me anymore…” Yunho swallowed, his words bitter in his mouth. Memories of JYJ’s departure resurfaced in his mind, washing the painful memories anew. But he had to do this, had to do this for Changmin.

_I have to set him free._

“If you don’t want to, Changmin, I won’t burden you with my presence.”

Yunho took a deep breath and swallowed again, adam’s apple bobbing nervously. He could feel his hands trembling, and he clenched them into fists behind his back, hiding them from view.

“If you want to, you can also leave.”

Changmin’s head snapped up, eyes flashing in alert to his last words, his jaw slack with disbelief. “W….What?”

Yunho licked his lips nervously, but pressed on. “I love you, Changmin, but I won’t force you to stay if you don’t want to.”

Yet Changmin continued to stare at him, as if not comprehending his words. His gobsmacked expression would normally have made Yunho laugh and tease him for days on end, but Yunho couldn’t bring himself to muster on a smile.

“You’re…” Changmin choked out. “You’re abandoning me?”

Yunho shook his head. “I’m not abandoning you,” he said softly. “I’m letting you go, Changmin. You’ve always wanted to be free, right? And now you finally can be. You can do whatever you want without the TVXQ name holding you back.”

Yunho broke off, quietly holding Changmin’s gaze. He tried to decipher the emotions behind those brown orbs, but only caught frustration and thinly veiled panic and something else, something darker, before Changmin shuttered his expression back into a pokerface. He straightened up and squared his jaw.

“Fine, if you want me gone so badly, I will,” Changmin snapped. He turned on his heel and stroke off, leaving Yunho standing alone on the balcony.

Yunho heard loud footsteps approaching the entrance, a loud slam, and then..

Nothing.

He stared blankly into space for a moment, trying to understand the magnitude of what just happened. He slowly fell to his knees, chest heaving with deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down.

Then he tipped his head back and started to cry.

\------

He hears from Donghae, later on, that Changmin had stormed into the Super Junior dorm and announced he would be staying indefinitely at their place. A part of him was angry at the younger male for walking out on him and immediately joining super junior, but quietly he was relieved that he had, at least, a safe place to go.

The next few days were the longest days of Yunho’s life. Even serving in the military was better than this terrible silence between them, even though Yunho had been the one to suggest it.

His mood was terrible. He saw traces of Changmin everywhere. His toothbrush besides Yunho’s own in the washroom. His dirty socks on the floor of the laundry. His mug on the table in the kitchen. His stupid plushie taking up space on the sofa. Every time he was reminded of the younger’s presence and memories of their fight arose, unbidden, from the corner of his mind he had shoved it into. Changmin usually kept the house in impeccable condition, but the sight of the perfection further frustrated him. He turns the house upside down in anger.

At work he was constantly distracted. Changmin had called in sick, so at least they wouldn’t have to interact awkwardly in front of their supervisors.

 Yunho had a terrible writer’s block and couldn’t come up with any  lyrics to fit their new song. The music he tried to compose was a garbled mess. He spilled his coffee down the front of his shirt and tripped over air three times. His noonas giggled at his antics and Yunho laughed sheepishly, but inside he felt miserable.

“Off day, Yunho?” His manager sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “Take the rest of the day off.”

Yunho had protested, but his manager heard nothing of it, brushing off his words and ushering him back towards the company vehicle with strict instructions for Yunho to rest.

With their hectic schedules, normally the prospect of having an evening off would excite him like nothing else, but the thought of returning to an empty home disheartened him and he glumly treaded up the building stairs to his dorm.

He attempted to distract himself by reading, playing games, cooking food. He could make whatever food he wanted, however he wanted it without anyone kicking up a fuss about the messy kitchen. He could even make the tteokbokki as spicy as he liked without constraint! Cheered by this thought, he went about cooking the food. Soon the pot was bubbling away merrily and the mouth-watering scent of spices and chillies filled the air.

 “Yah, Changmin, we’re out of eggs, can you-“

He cut himself off abruptly, suddenly remembering the fight and Changmin’s angry departure. Mood dampened, he served the dish and settled down to eat. If he burned his tongue because no one was there to remind him to slow down, no one needed to know about it.

Halfway through the meal he realised he cooked way too much, having automatically portioned for Changmin’s ravenous appetite. Spirits further put down, he poked miserably at the leftovers and sighed, wrapping them up for another time.

He went to bed  early and tried to sleep, but the absence of Changmin’s obnoxious snoring made it difficult to drift off. The house was too quiet, silent sans the annoying tick-tock of the clock.

Sighing, he grabbed his phone and settles for a sleepless night.

  
_From:_ Kyuhyun  
To:          Yunho  
_Time:     9:50pm_

_What happened, Yunho-hyung? Changmin showed up and announced he would be staying. He wouldn’t tell us anything and he looked like he’d been crying._

Yunho’s heart twisted painfully. He was making Changmin cry…?

 

 _From:_ Yunho  
To:          Kyuhyun  
_Time:     9:51pm_

_We had a fight. He said he didn’t need me, and I thought that I was being too burdensome so I said he could leave if he wanted…_

Yunho waited nervously, tapping at the screen absentmindedly while awaiting response. The screen showed the speechbubble symbol, indicating Kyuhyun was tapping out a response. This continued on and off for a few minutes as Kyuhyun continuously typed and deleted his comments while Yunho panicked internally.

 

 _From:_ Kyuhyun  
To:          Yunho  
_Time:     9:55pm_

_Yunho-hyung, you’re an idiot._

 

Yunho winced. He didn’t need the super junior’s evil maknae to tell him that….

 

_Why did you think it was a good idea to let him go, so soon after JYJ just left!?_

Yunho’s fingers stilled on his keypad. Why did he let him go? It was obvious, wasn’t it? After everything they had been through, he no longer had the right to keep Changmin by his side…..

 

With a heavy heart, he typed out his response, before throwing his phone to the corner of his room and closing his eyes, heart in shambles.

 

 _From:_ Yunho  
To:          Kyuhyun  
_Time:_ 9:57pm

_If Changmin is suffering because he is staying with me, then I would rather he be free and happy elsewhere. Even if it means I’m no longer part of that happiness._

_I’ve loved him for eight long years, Kyuhyun. It’s time for me to let him go._

_\-------------------_

**Bonus:**

Left alone after Yunho had signed off, Kyuhyun banged his head against the wall.

 _Yunho-hyung you thickhead,_ he thought mournfully. _He loves you, too._

 -------------------

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile at the superjunior dormitory, Changmin is having a crisis of his own. He’s crowded with the members in the living room, controller in hand and eyes on the screen as they attempt to clear the boss level for the third time, Donghae, Heechul and Eunhyuk squeezed on the couch besides them. The other members were lazing around the room, Ryeowook was reading a magazine, Leeteuk taking selca, Siwon playing boardgames, Shindong was on the phone.

“Donghaeee,” Changmin whined. “Why is Yunho-hyung so mean to me?”

“What makes you say that?” asks Donghae, eyeing his character on screen as he delivered a three-hit combo.

“He’s always telling me off or nagging me about something. Like to take more red ginseng or to dry my hair properly or not to go drinking, even when he does himself.”

“Yah, he’s your hyung, of course he’s protective of you! I don’t see why it’s such a big problem,” interjects Heechul.

“Teukie-hyung and Heechul-hyung nag you too,” Eunhyuk chimed in. “They’re so much more obnoxious – _shut up, hyung, it’s true and you know it_ -but that’s never bothered you.”

“I guess that’s true, but...”

Changmin glanced down, fingers stilling on his remote. On the screen, his character was getting beaten up by the enemy, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus. Yunho’s words kept resounding in his head, bouncing around like an echo.

_I’m letting you go, Changmin. You can do whatever you want without the TVXQ name holding you back._

He doesn’t want me anymore, Changmin thought, and tears rose unbidden, to his eyes.

“Oh, Changmin, what’s wrong?”

He looked up, seeing Leeteuk’s worried face. Hearing the concerned tone in the leader’s voice, in conjunction with his eyes blurry with tears, for an instant Yunho’s face was super-imposed over his vision.

Something in his chest crack open, empty and raw. He blinked wetly, sending a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Changmin!?”

There was a flurry of activity as each suju member stopped what they were doing and rushed over, Ryeowook handing him tissues and Eunhyuk patting him on the shoulder and Siwon engulfing him in a one-armed hug and Heechul demanding explanations. 

“Before, Yunho, he….” Changmin swallowed, mouth suddenly feeling dry. He lowered his head, scrubbing furiously at his eyes. “We were arguing, and he told me…. That I could leave, too, if I wanted.”

The normally noisy dorm room suddenly descended into silence. The tension was so thick it could be cut with the knife. Changmin was still looking down, avoiding anyone’s gaze, but he could feel the others turn to him with horror. He could feel their burning stares into his whole being.

“No,” Donghae breathed, voice impossibly soft.

“No, Yunho wouldn’t”

“That’s impossible-“

“That bastard-“

“That can’t be-”

“Why would he-“

There was a flurry of motion as each member talked over each other, creating a cacophony of noise. Amidst the chaos, Heechul stood up, throwing his controller on the floor.

“That brat,” he hissed. “Was his head buried so deep in the sand he couldn’t see straight? I’ll go sort him out-“

“No, Heechul-hyung, don’t-” Changmin grabbed his sleeve, but was shaken off.

“Hyung isn’t going to stand here and watch you be abused, I get that he was hurt but this is too much,” he growled as he stormed out.

A part of Changmin was oddly touched that Heechul would go and yell at Yunho for him, but a larger part was worried about the fight that would break out between the two volatile men.

“We’ll go stop him,” Siwon quickly assured him, rising to his feet and chasing Heechul out the door, Shindong quickly following in his footsteps.

 

The silence that followed was a heavy one, broken only by Changmin’s quiet sniffles. Wordlessly, Ryeowook handed him another tissue, which he took gratefully.

 “How… How did this happen?” Ryeowook asked gently.

“We were talking, and he kept saying we needed to talk, to sort everything out, a-and,” he took a deep shuddering breath. Eunhyuk’s hand was still on his shoulder, grounding him, stabilising him.

 “I just got so angry, because he didn’t listen when I was hurting and needed comfort, and now he wanted to talk?” He dropped his head, hands running through his hair in frustration, tugging at the strands. “So I said he was too late, I didn’t need him anymore.” He broke off, feeling his voice tremble.

“So he said if you didn’t need him anymore, you could go,” Ryeowook finished softly.

Changmin nodded, face lowered.

Donghae and Eunhyuk exchanged a wary glance over the top of Changmin’s head.

“I’m sure Yunho didn’t mean it,” Ryeowook pursed his lips, considering. “He was angry so it just slipped out. In no way was it justified, but I’m certain he didn’t mean it…”

Changmin agreed. Yunho didn’t have a single ounce of meanness in him, he would never intentionally hurt Changmin. He probably had a reason for saying what he did….

_Even though that doesn’t make it hurt any less._

When he looked up again, mouth open to reassure them that he was okay, that it would pass, he witnessed a strange staredown between Donghae, Eunhyuk and Leeteuk, who had been mostly silent through the whole situation. He raised an eyebrow at the terse silence.

They seemed to be having a silent conversation, subtle changes in expression and gestures conveying everything without the use of words. It looked like d&e were on one side, and Leeteuk the other. His eyebrows crept higher on his forehead.

“What…?”

“Nothing, child,” Leeteuk hushed. Still, his gaze was locked on Donghae and Eunhyuk, everything else all but forgotten.

A raised eyebrow.

A shake of the head.

The other eyebrow raised.

A fierce glare.

Chin tilted up in challenge.

Finally, after a beat of terse silence the battle was over, signalled by Donghae’s long sigh and Eunhyuk’s utterance of “fine, but don’t blame me if you get maimed.”

“What just happened?” Changmin questioned, utterly perplexed.

 “Actually, Changmin,” Leeteuk began. “Hyung has reason to suspect he knows why this happened.”

“Oh?” Changmin turned to look at him properly now, interest piqued. “Why?”

“It’s because,” Leeteuk whispered secretively. “You like him.”

Changmin frowned, growing impatient. “Of course I like him, we’ve been in the same band for years-”

“No,” Leeteuk cut him off roughly. “You _like like_ him.”

“As in, you’re pining after him,” Eunhyuk pipes up.

“Are obsessed about him,” Leeteuk adds.

“Want to court him.”

“Wish to be partners.”

“…What?”

“Changmin-ah,” Donghae says softly. Changmin turns to his friend, confusion all over his face. Donghae just sighs, and fixes him with an odd expression – half sad, half melancholy.

“You’re in love with him.”

 

\-------------------

 

Several things happen at once.

"Absolutely  _not_ ," Changmin gasped, voice filled with horror.

Then Changmin's hands started shaking and he couldn't get them to stop.

"You weren't aware," Leeteuk announced with a certain amount of surprise. He leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. "You knew, but you weren't  _aware_. You, Shim Changmin of TVXQ, are in love with Jung Yunho.”

For once, Changmin had no response at all. Despite being known for his snarky responses and witty comebacks, at this instance his mind was so astounded it fell silent, leaving Changmin staring at Leeteuk wordlessly, completely baffled.

"Teukie-hyung," Donghae interrupted quietly, voice calm and soft. "That's enough." Leeteuk sighed and sat back, watching Changmin with thoughtful eyes as though he hadn't pushed Changmin off the edge, wind howling in his ears.

"Changminnie," Donghae continued, "Come with me." He grasped Changmin’s arm and ushered him out into the privacy of the night air. Changmin said nothing, feet moving automatically.

_You, Shim Changmin of TVXQ, are in love with Jung Yunho._

Changmin couldn't stop repeating those words over and over in his head, the thudding of his heartbeat loud in his head and drowning out all other thoughts. Leeteuk's claim made no sense at all, except for how—except for how—

Except for how Changmin had been ready to kill a man for Yunho once, all those years ago. When Yunho had been handed that blasted cup of poison to drink, Changmin had worked fast and hard and  _vicious_  to find who it was and shatter them utterly, to make sure that they would never again even _think_ about touching their previous leader.

He'd never told Yunho about it, either. And Changmin would do it again, too, without mercy.

Except for how Changmin had lain awake at night, after that wretched lawsuit, after their trusted brothers left without even saying goodbye, and still Changmin was glad, somewhat guiltily, that at least Yunho had stayed. The thought that Yunho might have still chosen the same path haunted him.

Except for how territorial Changmin was, to the point he had taken active pains to ensure they were always together. Same dressing room, same apartment, same styling and coordinating noonas, even when the future was uncertain and management tried to separate them. Except for how he’s drink himself into a stupor over the rage, fear and grief of what might happen next, after Yunho became distant following the departure of JYJ. Except for how terrible and glorious it had been when they returned to the stage as a duo, missing the other three pieces of the five-member group but feeling like it was _so right._

Except. Except. Except.

Love was the thing that blossomed between other people, the fireworks that were sent flying, heated glances across rooms, passionate and burning and fierce and strong.

But – that wasn’t what he had with Yunho. Their relationship was was—was an absurd combination of tenderness and joy and desire and hope. It was comfortable, of curling up on the couch after a long day, of bickering over who had to cook ramyun, of challenging each other in the gym or the studio. It was of shared showers, of mutual comfort and understanding and companionship through shed tears.

Leeteuk claimed that he loved Yunho. Changmin repeated the words slowly, tasting each syllable. He didn’t know love, had never experienced love to know for certain.

All he knew was,  that every time Yunho’s attention was focused on someone else, a spike or jealousy arose in his chest because he wanted his hyung to himself – that he knew. And how Changmin always sought out Yunho’s affection, and when Yunho was angry at Changmin, he felt miserable and awful and very very small – that he knew. And how he couldn’t imagine exiting without Yunho by his side, the only constancy in his life – that he knew.

"I’m in love with Yunho," he whispered. Something in his chest clicked into place. It felt so _right._

Changmin laughed, a grotesque, choked sound. All this time, all these years struggling between companionship and brotherhood and leader-maknae, and he was in love?

 “Was it obvious? How long…?"

Donghae remained quiet for a long time, but Changmin waited.

“When we first met the two of you, your bond was the strongest out of the entire team. Even though Jaejoong and Yunho was closer, what you two had was special. You gravitated towards him like he was the sun, and he looked at you like you were a child of the cosmos, with stars in your eyes.

“You were perfect together, the most ideal duo, a complete tag team. Opposites, yet complimentary. Fire and water, light and dark. His passionate and headstrong nature guided you out of your introverted bubble, and your rationality and calm temperament mellows out his rashness. Even Teukie hyung admired your bond.” Donghae trailed off thoughtfully.

“After the others left, you bottled up your feelings, pushing them aside to take care of Yunho. He was unkind to you, but that never stopped you from caring for him. Even though you ruined your health in the process, you wouldn’t let anything come to harm your leader.

 "When you came to me after your fight, you asked for only one thing: for me to tell Yunho you were here. He was your partner. You sacrificed your chance of privacy to reassure him you would be safe and cared for...."

Changmin closed his eyes, and breathed out a sigh. _So long, and obvious indeed._

Donghae remained quiet for another moment, then-

“What are you going to do now?”

Changmin didn’t miss a beat. “Go home,” he said. “Perhaps I no longer needed him as my hyung, but I still want him to be mine, if he will have me.”

 

 

\-------------------  
**Bonus:**

Left alone in the alleyway after Changmin had taken off, Donghae banged his head against the wall.

 _Changmin you thickhead,_ he thought mournfully. _Of course he will. He loves you, too, for even longer than you’ve loved him._

\-------------------

 

 

 

It’s just past one in the morning when Changmin quietly lets himself back into Yunho’s apartment. He tiptoes around the house in socks, quiet as not to wake the sleeping man.

The apartment is a mess – dirty plates on the bench, cushions flung everywhere, clutter littering the benchtops. Changmin winced – clearly the elder hadn’t done well in the maknae’s absence.

He crept past Yunho’s bedroom when a small noise caught his attention. Pushing the door ajar, he slowly let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, eyes roaming until it found the figure sleeping fitfully.

Yunho lay curled up on a bed too large for him, sheets ruffled and tangled around his legs. His pillow was on the floor, his long, sweaty hair matted to his face. He twisted and turned about in his unpleasant sleep, periodically letting a small whimper escape his lips.

_A nightmare?_

Changmin quietly walked into the room and stopped at Yunho’s bedside. His complexion was terrible. It looked like the leader had not been sleeping well - his skin was pale and cheeks sallow, the dark circles under his eyes made his lovely face look exhausted. His lips were cracked and bleeding in places, nothing like the meticulously well-cared man he knew.

Changmin suddenly remembered Yunho’s upset during their heated argument, the flinch and hurt that crossed the elder’s features before quickly being hidden, tucked away. But the raw pain that he had seen, that he had ignored, was now stuck in his mind’s eye and he winced.

As Changmin watched, Yunho let out a shaky sigh and a quiet whimper, curling up on himself more tightly. Upon closer inspection Changmin could see dried tear tracks on his cheeks. He stood, frozen, stunned beyond belief.

U-know Yunho, leader of the hallyu wave, most passionate and strong hearted man, had been crying in his sleep.

 Changmin’s chest clenched painfully.

“Oh Yunho,” he uttered softly.

 

_Am I hurting you even in your dreams?_

He sat down on the edge of the bed, brushing the elder’s sweat-soaked bangs from his eyes. Yunho’s eyelid twitched, but knowing the elder was a deep sleeper, he was unlikely to wake up. He wouldn’t even know Changmin was here.

Changmin swiped his thumb across Yunho’s cheek, wiping away the drying marks, and gently pat Yunho’s back in hopes of alleviating some of his pain and helping him help sleep more peacefully.

Every small whimper and grimace of pain Yunho let out tugged at something in Changmin’s chest, making him feel terrible and guilty and small all over again. He gently hushed every sob, continuing to stroke Yunho soothingly. Gradually, under his ministrations, Yunho started to settle. His shoulders stopped shaking, and his breathing evened out.

“nnie…”

Changmin froze, hand raised mid-pat.

“Changminnie…”

He stayed completely still, terrified he had woken the elder. But Yunho continued to mumble incomprehensively, and Changmin realised that Yunho was just sleeptalking, dreaming about him.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he murmured. “I’m here…”

He didn’t know how long he sat there, gently patting Yunho’s back. It felt like time was both brief and dragging, seconds and eons flashing by as he soothed his leader.

But when he next looked up the sky was gradually lightening. Dawn was breaking.

Gently, he extracted his hand. Yunho wouldn’t want to wake to see that Changmin had intruded. He’d come talk to Yunho another time. He stood and turned to leave, intending to creep out silently when-

A hand reached out and grabbed his wrist.

Startled, Changmin whipped around, eyes wide.

“What are you doing,” Yunho said, voice thick with sleep. His eyes swollen and puffy from crying, but strangely alert. Too alert.

‘Y-you were awake?’

He hadn’t noticed any change. He was certain that the elder had been in a deep sleep.

‘Who wouldn’t wake with someone patting with such a heavy hand?” Yunho said bitterly.

_I was awake but I didn’t want you to leave me just yet._

Changmin feels his heart clench painfully  “Yunho-hyung, I-“

_I’m sorry I didn’t mean to please forgive me-_

“Sit down.”

Changmin tentatively sat on the edge of the bed, eyes still locked with the elder.

They sat in tense silence, for a moment, just staring at each other. In the early morning light, bathed in a soft golden glow, Yunho looked angelic, even with his bloated face and messy hair and cracked lips.

 _How did I not realise?_ Changmin wondered. _You means the world to me. How did I think I could live without you?_

Then Yunho lets out a sharp breath and all but _throws_ himself on changmin, flinging his torso across the maknae’s lap, wrapping arms around his neck, face buried in his shoulder. He held onto Changmin tightly, as if clutching a lifeline.

Surprised, Changmin’s arms reflexively wrapped around his Yunho’s slim shoulders tightly, and he found himself with an armful of his shuddering hyung. He sat, frozen, until his sluggish brain registered the wetness on his shoulder.

Oh.

_Oh._

 “Ssh, it’s okay, I’m sorry-” he murmured softly, stroking Yunho’s back comfortingly, trying to sooth his crying hyung. Yunho is a quivering mess in his arms, and for a moment Changmin thinks in horror that he was going to fall into pieces, shattered beyond repair.

 “I can’t,” Yunho choked out. He sounded resigned, no longer bitter. Changmin’s not sure which is worse. “I can’t do this, Changminnie, I tried over and over again but I’m so, so tired.”

“Hyung-”

“No, Changmin. I’m tired of reaching out and being brushed off, being ignored, and when I let you go you come back to me, I can’t do this anymore.” Yunho’s grip tightens unconsciously to the point of being painful, digging his blunt fingernails into Changmin’s arm in his distress.

Changmin’s blood runs cold. Unbidden, memories resurface. Of Yunho’s attempts at conversation, which Changmin always ignored. Of desperate confession, and Changmin turning away with a hard laugh, an ugly snarl. Yunho’s devastated expression, which he ignored in a moment of anger. 

_How could I have been so blind?_

 “I was wrong,” he pleads. “I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so, so sorry. How can I fix this?”

But Yunho just shook his head. He grasped Changmin’s shoulders and pushed him away, holding him at arm’s length. His face was streaked with tears, eyes puffed and red, teeth biting down onto a wobbling lower lips to help the new tears at bay.

His hands were trembling, Changmin noticed. From anger, from misery, from sadness, Changmin no longer knew. Breaths coming in raspy gasps.

“After today, don’t come again.”

“After today, don’t call my name again.’

“But for now…” Yunho breathed, a breathy gasp. “Just for now, you have to stay here. You have to stay here beside me, Changminnie. You have to.”

Changmin tenderly reaches a hand and touched Yunho’s tear-streaked face, cupping his cheek, feeling the wet tears dampen his fingertips. Yunho, crying over him. His invincible hyung, whom he reduced to this state. He felt like the absolute worst asshole on earth. Even murdering people in cold blood was better than forcing his angel of a hyung to cry over someone like him.

Yunho closed his eyes, fresh tears clinging to his long lashes, liquid crystal cascading down his face. He reached up with shaking fingers and held Changmin’s hand, keeping it pressed against his cheek.

 _“_ Why,” Changmin whispers. “What went wrong? Why did you let me go, only to call me back? Can’t we go back to normal?”

“We can’t, Changminnie,” Yunho whispered. “I can’t do it anymore. I tried to let you go, because you don’t need me anymore, and I refuse to become a burden to you. But I can’t, because even if you don’t need me, I still need you.” Yunho broke off his shaky confession, voice thick.

Silence.

Changmin’s breath stuttered to a stop.

“…What?”

Yunho smiled, a sad broken uplifting of lips through his tears. “We can’t, because I’ve fallen for you, Changminnie, and I can’t go back to how it used to be anymore.”

 

Changmins was shell shocked and speechless at the sudden confession, heart hammering away in his chest.

After all the words and jokes of love between them, but Yunho actually loved him? Loved Changmin?

 “I know,” Yunho says softly. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I love you, so all I really want for you is for you to be happy. I’d like to be a part of that happiness, but it’s okay if I’m not.”

“I love you, and that’s why I’m letting you go. When I let go of this hand, we’re finished. You’re free, just as you’ve always wanted. No more TVXQ, No more U-know Yunho nor Max Changmin.” Voice unsteady.

He lowered Changmin’s hand, pressing a light kiss atop his knuckles.

_These beautiful pianist fingers that create elegant melodies, that caress through my hair so gently, that I clutched when my world fell apart, that fit so perfectly with mine._

_I am letting you go._

\-------------------  


Changmin was slow. He was slow to understand, slow to react, but he wasn’t _that_ slow.

He was shocked when Yunho announced his love, but then Yunho said he’s letting Changmin go? Because Changmin didn’t feel the same way?

Changmin just came back, but Yunho was… giving up on him?

…

_What?_

“How does that even make sense,” he blurted. “Why do you say that? That I don’t feel the same way? That I want to be free from you?”

“Because you told me, Changmin,” Yunho said softly, his voice breathtakingly sad. He averted his eyes, determinedly not meeting Changmin’s gaze. “It’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”

 “No, hyung,” he grasped Yunho by the shoulders, trying to get his attention. “I made a mistake, I know, but I realised now.”

Yunho turned away, shaking his head softly.

“Don’t you understand,” Changmin pleaded. “You. Just you. I don’t want anything but to be with you.”

And still Yunho shook his head, eyes lowered.

“Don’t, Changmin.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, please. You always say things you don’t mean and then I always get hurt and have to pick up the pieces and-”

“Hyung.” Changmin grabbed Yunhos hand, trying to get his attention.

“I can’t do this, I need you so much but I can’t, I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough to,” Yunho shook his head fervently, eyes squeezed shut. The tremor in his shoulders telling Changmin that he was on the verge of tears again.

But Changmin _had_ to clear up this god-awful, shitty mistake.

“Hyung.” He placed his hands on Yunho’s face, cupping his cheek in a similar motion.

“I’ve been a terrible maknae, a worse friend,” he admitted. “I never considered your feelings and took your affection for granted. But I realised, I want you in my life. I can’t imagine existing without you by my side, as a friend, as a brother, as a partner.”

Slowly Yunho raised his eyes to meet Changmin’s, wet with unshed tears, lips red-bitten and trembling. A terrible, dreadful, fluttering hope in his dark eyes. Changmin’s heart stuttered oddly once more in his chest, but he pushed on.

 “I always wondered why I stayed, when the others left TVXQ, why I didn’t leave as well, even though I was offered so much more in other companies,” Changmin whispered. “Even the other day, when you told me to leave, I went to the super junior dorm because I couldn’t bear being any further from you. But I realised today. Do you know why I stayed, hyung?”

He leaned in, pressing their foreheads together, breaths mingling, faces inches apart.

“Because of you. Because I love you.”

Yunho whimpers and Changmin kisses him full on the lips the sound Yunho makes as he kisses back sends tingles down his spine.

When he pulls away, Yunho’s cheeks are flushed.

“This feels like a dream,” he murmurs. “It’s all too surreal.”

“Its not a dream,” Changmin says gently, pecking Yunho on the lips again. He can’t help the happy grin that erupts when Yunho blushes and responds with a shy smile. “You’re stuck with me. Today, tomorrow and forevermore.”

 

 

 

**End.**

 

 -------------------

 

 

  **Bonus:**

The next day, Donghae and Kyuhyun were sporting identical bruises on their foreheads.

When questioned, they responded with identical glares.

"Don't. Ask."


End file.
